Burrito Bison: A Trip to Candy Land and Back!

Today's flash game review is a little gem called "Burrito Bison" I'll spare no time, and give you your review, in the style of a drink review.

Taste

Now, Burrito Bison is a delicate mixture of spicy, sweet, and "chicken-ey". It has the ability to excite you, while still keeping you in the dark about what's going to happen next. The flavour is extremely bold, but not so bold as to be unpalatable. It can make you frustrated at something you didn't expect, while making you wish for more.

77/100

Texture

there's a lot to talk about here. At first, you want more from this game, until it actually gives it to you, and that's when you want it all. you kill thousands of gummy bears and seriously damage one steroid-ridden jawbreaker to get what you want: to get back to business.

88/100

Packaging

okay, now we can talk about what this game is all about: a large, bison who has been consumed by a monstrous bag of candy and teleported to a new and exciting land, candy land, that is, until you are captured and put to work for the entertainment of a murderous race of candy people, most of which are gummy bears, that you need to destroy in order to escape from this hellish wasteland of sugary treats, and go back to shopping at your local supermarket. many shall die along the way, but salvation shall be reached before time runs out.

100/100

Overall

Now this may seem like your run-of-the-mill upgrade and escape game, but it's so much more than that, you have opposing forces that attempt to slow your progression, as well as several achievements you can earn along the way. In the long run, you will end up liking this game a lot, even if you don't immediately realize it.

93/100

My Li'l Bastard: An Adventure into Parenting!

Have you ever decided that you want to both love and hate something at the same time, but you aren't attractive enough or are just too lazy to have children? Well, then you'll love what I'm going to be playing today! It's a li'l game called "My Li'l Bastard!" in which you have to train and raise your very own... uhm... uhh... THING!

Gameplay

The gameplay throughout this game is fairly simple, but oh so frustrating. You are given a task, to teach this thing how to go through life like a normal person. At first, feeding it and wiping it, but then, potty training, drinking alcohol, throwing molotov cocktails, and telling it that humping teddy bears is just a-ok. It's like nintendogs, but with something as annoying, incompetent, and stupid as a printer. you tell it one thing, it shits everywhere in response. You try to communicate, it makes insinuations about your mother's promiscuity. You take it drinking, it burns your house down. You know, the good and bad of being a parent.

8/10

Story

The story is very linear, and has three settings, the house (some sort of cardboard box fort), the back alley store, run by the shady owner who has a hard time with the language barrier, if you understand, and finally, the ghetto streets of Nowhereville, Japan, that for some odd reason, is practically lined with gifts for your taking. Like I said, you take care of either a pink or blue "bastard" that you get to live its life with. it goes from pissing, shitting, vomiting machine, pissing shitting, trash talking, binge drinking and smoking, and stuffed animal raping machine.

7/10

and now for...

CHARACTER CORNER: A NEW SECTION IN MY REVIEWS WHERE WE REVIEW AND TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS IN A GAME THAT I'M PLAYING, AND THEN JUDGING THEM LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT!

Shop owner: He's a creepy guy in an overcoat that's been there for you since the very begging, not much is known about him, other that he can give you help on your task at hand, sell you stuff, and laugh at you. He's probably got his own family and friends to attend to, but he has probably killed them all in an insane fit of fiery rage! He gets a 10/10.

Overall: If you like a "take care of something that is designed to hate you" kind of game, then this is the very thing for you. If you like to kill cute little monsters that make you angry by poisoning or openly neglecting them, then this is DEFINITELY the game for you! (if you haven't already been institutionalized) I liked it. you can think what you want why. I give it a B- on a count of you get to make fun of it through a computer connection before you kill it.

HOLY SHIT IT'S TOR-TOSS

I'm not gonna lie people, I'm only writing this to talk about how this is just another Crush the Castle clone. While some of you may argue that it is an angry birds clone, I can assure you, you are stupid. Crush the Castle came first and is obviously the superior to all of them.

I do like this type of puzzle game and say that it's constant replication is acceptable. Tor-toss just gives a much better back story than the rest, while the others lack in such a respect. You ( a tortoise working for an american-style conglomerate) are stuck with the task of disposing of the company's latest catastrophe, a hybrid between hamburger and woman. The reason you are supposed to do this is due to a test gone awry, and the press is getting hold of the goings on and you are supposed to destroy the evidence.

That's about all that's different, other than the fact that you use tortoises instead of birds or real ammunition. It's really a fun time, and it's a lot more free than angry birds is, but unlike Crush the castle, there is no course creator, which is fine, but it gives the game a port for creativity. I still recommend it if it's a choice between angry birds or this, but I think Crush the castle is the superior for more reasons than just being the original.

Hey Soul Brother

Today is DOUBLE REVIEW DAY. That's right, I'm going to do TWO WHOLE REVIEWS TODAY! First up is a beautiful game called "Soul Brother". Let's watch what I have to say.

Hipster Kickball: When Being a Hippie is Better than Something

First off I'd like to announce that I have a massive headache/stomach ache because I hate Monster energy drinks. Now the Game I've decided to review today (even though I'm writing this at night) is Hipster Kickball- a flash game from Adult Swim. As the title very VAGUELY states, this is a game of kickball in which the players are hipsters. However, you also have the option to play as hippies.

Meowcenaries- Kitty Go Boom. EXPLICIT

WARNING ALL FOLLOWING CONTENT MAY OR MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 13ISH ALSO, THERE WILL BE lolcat talk, AND LOTS OF IT.OKAY, YOU KNOW LOL CATZ?

Pipedreamz- First Time Ever

I'd like to say that I have not yet played this game as it was uploaded today and I just had to spring on the opportunity to do a review on a newly sprouted game. It's called Pipedreamz, and it's one of their many 8-bit classic arcade style games with a dark twist (they all have a dark twist). S, in a bit I will finish playing and write my review.

Okay, well... I finished playing the game to figure out that there is no real end as far as I can tell, other than boredom. You play a man who just got a job at a fast food restaurant owned by a... pig in sunglasses... and before you start flipping burgers, you experience what he calls "chow hour" in which you eat raw hamburger and make sure nobody sees you because they are all "unclean". after you eat all that delicious... raw meat, you then experience what I believe is a daydream while on the job. you surf using various buttons to do tricks, earning points, and when you do tricks, orders for food pop up on screen. if you fall off, you have to resurface or you have to go back to work which is another aspect of the game, where you see patties magically appear on-screen and your ever-reaching hand has to flip the burgers when they flash, and serve them when they flash again, when you finish that, you start surfing again, earning more points. Then when you snap out of your dream, it's chow hour again, and it goes on and on in this fashion until you get bored or pass out from the utter fear that this pig will kill you. I don't know why I think the pig will kill me, I just do. Needless to say, this game has disturbed me beyond possible belief, so I must give it an A for doing what seems impossible. So, yeah, there's your review... I'm gonna go lay down now, hopefully not dream of the pig, and... yeah. Play it if you aren't afraid. also, the picture is a screen capture I took myself of the game. Enjoy?

Five Minutes to Kill (Yourself)

Continuing our POWAH PACK!, we have our third addition, which is adultswim's "Five minutes to kill (yourself)"(right to the review)You know how whenever you play a game, you get frustrated when you keep dying? Well, now it's quite the opposite! In this game, you play an overworked, underpaid cubicle worker. He is sick and tired of going to boring meetings of boring boringness. So he makes a resolution that if he has to go to one more meeting he's going to end it. Just as he says this, he receives an email from his boss entailing him that he must attend a meeting in five minutes, remembering what he said previously, he looks for a way to kill himself.

Using various combinations, interactions, and even a conversation option, you look for ways to fatally injure yourself. You only have five minutes so you must be quick, lest you be late AND alive, to the meeting. You can talk to your coworkers to get them to kill you by pissing them off enough, or you could simply put a trophy in a microwave and sit back and watch the literal fireworks in effect. However, there are no true one hit kills, so you just have to look for the best and most graphically painful situation, such as getting devoured by a shark. This works in a percentage style damage system whereas you get a set percent out of 100 of damage when you do something to cause pain. Surprisingly, you can't pass out nor can you be completely killed by being hacked to death by a clown in a bathroom stall. Speaking of the bathroom, there are multiple levels of play (what did you think I was gonna say?) that include a mail room, bosses office, copy room, bathroom, and of course, the main room.

This game is so full and satisfying that I haven't even seen all of the possible combinations, There are three or four versions of the game, one of which is a reboot with cooler graphics etc. This game isn't too bad really, I might even recommend it. It's good enough to deserve an A-.

ROCK PAPER SCISSORS: EXTREME DEATHMATCH

This is going to be the second installment of adultswim.com POWAH PACK. The one I am reviewing today is a pretty good game called "ROCK PAPER SCISSORS: EXTREME DEATHMATCH". sounds fun, huh? Well, it is. Now without further adieu, onward!

although this is the second game I'm doing, it's not all too special. It's really a simple Smash brothers ( I feel like I'm going to be referencing this quite a bit) kind of game in which the options for your characters are Rock, Paper and Scissors. Like Smash brothers (yep), there is a main platform, where characters start out, however, there isn't a percentage based damage system, just a health bar; there are some ring outs, but not 'til later in the progression. There is also a special move bar that you charge up by giving damage and picking up power ups, while in regular rock paper scissors, where you can't beat one of your possible opponents, it only gives you advantages and disadvantages, and like any good fighting game, there's finishers.

To be honest, I like this game, but not enough to choose it over SSBBrawl. It's pretty good for a blatantly obvious clone. There isn't much else to say about it, though. play it or don't, there is no maybe.

C+

Robot Unicorn Attack! Beautifully Powerful!

First of all, I'd like to say that this game has been featured previously on sites like Kotaku, gamespot, IGN, touch arcade, and finger gaming. Needless to say, it's very popular among gaming culture, and with good reason. Now, at first glance, this game may look like a girly game, but when they start talking about a "fiery death awaits you" you know it's far away from any gender classification. The breakdown is gonna be- object, idea, and miscellaneous. Prepare for some awesome.

Object

The object of this game is simple yet difficult: Stay alive and get the highest score. By the way, the current high score is 201,421,717; and I usually top out at around 80,000. At the beginning, you don't need to move at all, until the second platform. You can catch butterfly fairies and dash into giant stars (that can kill you if you crash into them without dashing) that seem to be made of pearls or something. you don't need to get any of these, but it helps your score tremendously. The only controls are Z (jump) and X (dash). It progressively gets faster and faster which is how it stays difficult. You continually score points for as long as you can stay alive. You get three lives, and at the end your scores are added together for the total score.

Idea

This game makes you discover a new side of you that you might have not thought existed. Like, say you're a pretty masculine guy who doesn't afraid of anything (intentional grammar mistake for those of you who don't get it), you may discover a that this game can help you get in touch with your feminine side with the rainbows, unicorns, music, and fairies. However, the flipside is that if you're a fairly feminine woman, you could feel that you might have an insane bloodlust contributed to the explosions and stuff like that. It can make you believe in yourself again, and believe that anything is possible.

Miscellaneous

The game is accompanied by the perfect song for this game Erasure's always. It's playing on a loop so if you play long enough you will love it as much as you love [insert favorite song here]. There are also three different versions of the game(regular, heavy metal, and Christmas), all of which are available on iPhone and iPod touch app stores, however, the last is only on the mobile ones for now. The heavy metal one has the song Battlefield, by Blind Guardian, also, instead of fairies, it substitutes in hellish bats. I have yet to check out the Christmas version because I lack an iPhone. So check them out here, the heavy metal version here, and here's the link for the christmas version. Have fun and try not to die!

Generally, it's one of my favorite flash games which is why I chose it to be the first in my POWAH PACK! So needless to say, I have to give it a sc-AAAALLLWWWAAAYYYSS! I WANNA BEEEE WITH YOU, MAKE BELIEEEEVE WITH YOU- *cough* *cough* sorry about that.

A